Changin' up the routine

So, it has been quite a long time since I've update! A lot has happened. But in reality, a large chunk of it is completely irrelevant(or not my business to share).

BUT, I have found I can update via my iPod, which opens up a whole new realm of possibilities! I'm ditching the whole formatting of the posts simply because it is a bunch of completely unnecessary work for me. Any-who, let's get to it!

So, as it does every single year, the youth retreat helped me so much. This year was a weird one, that is for sure. It was a little like déjà vu. I came to the retreat after been hospitalized exactly 2 years after my first time, and watched everything unfold in front of me. And, again, God refused to give up on me. One of the big differences was that, because I knew better, He wasn't easy on me. (Praise God, 'cause Lord knows I didn't deserve babying) I had to make a lot of changes in order to get my life back on track. I had to focus on the most important relationship, mine and my savior's.

I ended up dropping friends, deleting music, and working with managing my thoughts. Some may say, "Oh my, don't you think that is a bit much? I mean, your friends? MUSIC? Why music? It doesn't do anything!"

My answer: No, it isn't too much. In fact, there would be more if I could think of anything else!
As far as my friends go, well... You see, you become who you are around. I no longer wanted to be around constant swearing, dirty jokes, and other miscellaneous activities. Were they bad people? No. We're they supportive of my faith? As much as they could be when they believed other things. I'm just not where I need to/want to be that would allow the friendships to continue.
And music.... Ahh music. You see, what you put into you is what will come out. You say "Ohhhh, no way! I just listen to it!"
Just wait. You'll sing along. You'll begin to speak as they do in the lyrics. You'll become desensitized to what they say. Soon enough, it'll be okay. So, imagine if you were listening to music that glorified partying. Soon enough you'll be saying,"Whatever, it is just a song. Oh, that music video is so cool. Her outfit is so cute! That would be fun."
Yeah, you are probably sitting there saying,"Kay, sure Joanna. TOTALLY GOING TO HAPPEN."
Ever notice some of the people who like Lady Gaga or Nicki Minaj or Katy Perry? How they act? How they dress? How they speak?
No, not everyone, but a large population of the fans do. They become what they love. "Where your treasure is, so shall your heart be."

Anyway, I digress.
So, do I miss my music? Yes, sometimes. But I haven't slipped up. Would it be okay if I slipped up?
Well, my Pastor was talking the other week about addictions/trying to quit things. It really helped me because he was talking about how much achievement is made when you've gone any amount of time without doing something you had always done. He said all you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, ask God to help you, and try again. One day, you'll be able to say you did it. Imagine how wonderful that'll feel!




Well, there was another thing I wanted to talk about. It has been on my heart to encourage certain people. Then again, it seems like I'm always wanting to encourage/help people. I just have the heart for that. Using my experiences/the words God puts in my heart to speak/write.
Just tonight, I began to write, and ended up with a page and a half(ish) letter. I let God flow. Let him take control. It was funny to see what I was writing, and realize how much of it I needed to hear myself.
It is pretty funny that, while writing this, I came to realize Pastor taught on this a few weeks ago too. When you are not doing well, when you are in need, encourage/bless someone else. It'll help you more than you help them, even if you don't realize it.
You may not even think you needed it, but He knows. He knows long before you ever will, and he is just looking for ways to help you, bless you, and guide you because he loves you so much.

Never, ever forget that.




That is all I have to say tonight. I hope I have helped someone. I hope this made sense. Haha, I just write. I don't proof, I don't plan, I just flow.

"I'll tell you flat out, it hurts so much to think of this."

C'est la vie. Such is life.
I regret to have to tell everyone that on Sunday, May 20, I hit a snag. I wanted to kill myself, and I had a plan which I was prepared to carry out right then. It was a repeat of two years ago, although this time I was lucky enough to know how to handle it better. That, and the fact that I got out of the house before I could do anything. I was in the hospital all of last week, and was released on Friday. I'm now doing better, on medication, and working towards recovery. Today, the title of this post, as well as all of the section titles will be from the song "When I Go Down" by Relient K off of their album Mmhmm.

The very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods.
It really came out of the blue. I hadn't been doing that well, but I hadn't thought it would get that bad, especially that quickly. It was a switch, immediate. I felt horrible and when I tried to turn on some music, which is my usual coping strategy, it didn't work. I couldn't find anything to listen to, and so I began to panic. I got out of my house and called my 'lifeline' and talked to her until I calmed down a little, and ended up going over there until I could get picked up and taken to the hospital.

I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more, and I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works.

I think the part that made this the most difficult was that I had already been through this once. I thought I was done with it. Now I'm fighting to come back to the place I had finally reached. And I am working on talking about my feelings more, but it is something I struggle with so much. I hate it, and I loath that I can't be the same person I was before. I miss being happy. I miss being able to laugh and not feel like everything I do is artificial and that I have to force it. I feel bad because I feel like I'm neglecting my friends, but I can't help it. I hope to be back to normal soon, but it took me a while last time, so I'm not sure anymore.

When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom. And of the things that got me there I think, if only I had fought them.
I have a job for the summer, and schools only a few days away from being over. Now I just have to work to keep myself going, and focus on the things that make me 'happy'. I don't know. I also say that a lot now.. 'I don't know'. It is one of those ridiculously generic answers that avoid talking. But in reality, I actually don't know. It can be confusing and slightly irritating.

If and when I can clear myself of this clouded mind, I'll watch myself settle down into a place where peace can search me out and find that I'm so ready to be found.

I'll leave it at that today. I've got one more class, and I feel like I have a hundred things to do(which I really don't). Blah, I hope to find peace very soon. The lyrics for this section are the perfect way to close up with. Here are the lyrics to the entire song:

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"When I Go Down" Relient K Mmhmm

"You know me all to well, but you never had the chance to find out who I really am."

C'est la vie. Such is life.
A lot has been happening recently, but at the same time nothing has happened. Confusing? Yes, quite. A ton has been happening on a more emotional level, rather than specific events. Or maybe not. I am confusing myself now. I'll just get into it, so I don't contradict myself any more than I already have.


Still the same pursuing pain. Is it worth all that I've gained?
I've struggled with understanding the concept of moving on from my past. I was under the impression that I had to forget it, so I fought as hard as I could to keep it. If I didn't remember what has happened, I'd lose a part of me. I'd lose how I became who I am. I'd run the risk of losing everything. It took me so long to realize that I don't have to forget the memories, and that, in fact, I shouldn't. Rather, I found that forgetting the feelings, the emotions behind a memory, the things that make it so vivid, those are the dangerous portion of it. Those are what suck you back in, make you lose your footing. During the youth service at church(May 9th), the service was on that. Moving on from your past. We started with this activity about drawing major life events from your past, and goals for the future. I refused to participate. I couldn't deal with it at that point. And then the service itself started. I remember sitting there, and as soon as the message started, I knew it was for me. I, from that point forward, didn't take notes, nor did I make any eye contact with my youth minister. It was really like a civil war was going on in me. My heart, my brain, and my soul were raging. I couldn't focus, and I even fought to pay any attention. By the end of the service, they did a prayer call, and I knew they were waiting for me. I stood with the group, fidgeting. I didn't make eye contact with anyone, crossed my arms, and tried my hardest not to cry. I managed to look up to see my youth minister nod to his wife, who is one of my biggest lifelines, and she came directly over to me and took me up front. That is when I lost it. I leaned on her as I cried and we prayed.

Tell me how you feel, come out of the dark. Then we can head back home, and I'll know where to start.
That night, there was no instant relief. I felt like a wound had been ripped open, and left to bleed. Everything hurt, on all levels. My body, my heart, my mind. I thought I did something wrong. I thought it didn't work. I went to sleep. By the next morning, I felt numb. Besides the normal post-crying fatigue, and soreness, I felt literally nothing. The weird part of this? It wasn't the numbness I was used to. There was literally nothing there. There was no emotion at all, but rather a clean, empty slate. My memory was blurry for a few days, but it is still there. No emotion attached. It really is odd. I can see everything, but it no longer has an influence on me. I can't say it is a bad thing either, it is just ... different.


Father, father, tell me where have you been? It's been hell not having you here. I've been missing you so bad, and you don't seem to care.
So, I have been having some issues not necessarily related to the above, but in a way they are. Not having my dad in my life has taken a toll on me. It is hard because I don't really know how to handle it. It gets worse, and there are times it isn't on my mind. It sucks though. I have great father-figures in my life, but in the end, it really isn't the same. It is so difficult trying to, in a sense, get over it. He's not going to change, and I'm not anywhere close to being on his list of priorities. People have it worse off, but the feeling is unexplainable. When your own dad is too wrapped up in his own issues, when he decides to let you in on the fact that he doesn't love you, it kind of wears you down. Also, the fact that his actions over these years have showed that he didn't care doesn't prepare you for the words. The words are excruciatingly painful, and they kind of finalize everything. I don't know. But you should listen to the song that the title for this section is taken from. It is extremely applicable to my situation, besides the fact it is simply amazing.


Chase it down, spin around, watch the world from the ground.
That is all for today. I need to get going. I'll leave you guys off with some Relient K lyrics. I can say this: if you are having a bad day, listen to them. They have wonderful lyrics, and sound incredible. They are pretty nifty fellows. Enjoy.

Yesterday is not quite what it could've been,
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in.
I'll be trying to make it so much more.
Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong,
And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see.
And though I'm finally catching onto it,
And now the past is just a conduit,
And the light there at the end is where I'll be.

***********************************************

When it all falls apart and you can't see,
The forest for the cemeteries.
Isn't it nice to know,
Isn't it nice to know,
Isn't it nice to know,
That the lining is silver.

Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"Nervous Breakdown" Hawthorne Heights Skeletons
"Nothing and Everything" RED Innocents & Instinct
"Foreign Language" Anberlin Blueprints for the Black Market
"A Trophy Father's Trophy Son" Sleeping with Sirens Let's Cheers To This
"Watch the World" Every Avenue Bad Habits
"Up And Up" Relient K Five Score and Seven Years Ago

"I could get used to this world standing oh so still."

C'est la vie. Such is life.
I know I posted last night, but I have roughly two class periods of a study hall, and nothing to do. I like blabbering on and not really thinking, so this is the best thing for me to do. And off we go.
OH and update. Tonight I'm going to TSO. I'm really excited! ... So now, we actually begin.


And now I'm lost at sea. I'm drowning in what I won't be.
I hate my loss of focus. I hate how I want to do so much, but I can't find a way to actually do it. It really is just me holding myself back, but I haven't found a way to quit it and change my ways. And speaking of things I do to myself, I can't stand how I treat myself. The way I think, the way I talk myself down. It is something I can't comprehend. I feel as though I am the most annoying, unwanted person on this planet. Even when I'm with my friends, I feel as though they'd have so much better of a time if I weren't there. I can't talk, text, or even breathe without thinking that I'm bothering them, which is funny because they have told me before that it is the complete opposite of that. No matter how often I am reassured, I can't get over it.


You made me hate my own reflection, question every choice I make. So I could try to be perfect, but I will try to be fake.
I have been thinking a lot lately, about my future and the choices I make/will make. I find myself wondering if some of the things that I think or feel are seeds planted into my head by others who surround me. I'm sure everyone goes through a phase similar to this. Questioning their future and what they want to do. As far as careers go, I am pretty positive that I'd like to go into nursing, but I've also noticed how interested I am in history and social studies(and by social studies, I don't mean geography, I mean more of the human studies portion of it). I'm trying to make sure I keep in mind the things that I enjoy, and find a way to incorporate it into my future. I want to help people, I have experiences that would help me to be compassionate, I just want to find a way to use that. I want to find a way to help me enjoy my career and, overall, my life.


We never are what we intend, or invent.
It is pretty short, but I don't really have too much to say today. I'll just leave it at this for now. I know I sporadically post now, so I can't guarantee when my next post will be. Thanks for reading, and I suppose thanks for putting up with me.


Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"The Hangman" Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows D.R.U.G.S.
"Lost And Found" Senses Fail Still Searching
"Who Are You Now" Sleeping With Sirens Let's Cheers To This
"At The Bottom" Brand New Daisy

"You could count on me for that and nothing more."

C'est la vie. Such is life.
Don't mind me, I'm just on a TBS kick. Anyway, its been weird lately. I'm kind of falling behind, losing touch. I don't really know what to say in this little portion of this post, so I'll just move on.

I wanted you for nothing more, than hating you for what you were.
I continuously let people who do nothing but negative things back into my life. I don't understand my thought process when we talk, and it is funny when someone is so lost within themselves, that they forget the actual meaning of friendship. The idea that friendship holds mutual responsibilities. That not one person can do all of the listening, caring, and so on, but rather that it has to be a two way street. If someone is your friend, they should mean something to you. With this situation, I felt needed, yes. But I also felt like I was easily replaced, and that I didn't necessarily matter. I felt as though if something better came around, I'd be left alone in the dust. I reached out, and I stayed when no one else did. I was there. But I need someone to be there for me in return. I can't sit there and, when I am honest with you, be attacked and have sarcastic, rude comments thrown up in my face. Do I want my friendships to make it? Why would I stick around and continue to come back if I didn't? So, if you read this, and we are friends(or we were..), realize that I want to make things work, but in the end, you have to make your decision. Just let me know.

I was there when you were lonely
I was there when you were bored
I was there when you were feeling scared
And you were not sure what for.
I was there you found out
When you were madder than hell.
You were scared, I was scared,
We were scared but I did not let that show.

"You Got Me" Taking Back Sunday Taking Back Sunday

But I've made long term plans based on these mistakes.
A lot has been on my mind, especially with this time of year at hand. As often as people say spring is the season that people's moods perk up, that the winter depression is broken, I find myself happier during the winter than the beginning of spring. Honestly, I think most people, if in a similar situation, would agree with me. It is kind of like a dark cloud that rolls in right around the end of March/start of April, and it likes to stick around for a while. I get it, it shouldn't bother me, it shouldn't be something that happens. I am better now. Well, at least better than I once was. But, even with the two year anniversary coming up, it seems to continue to happen. Don't get me wrong, I prefer this to what could have happened back then, but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm struggling, and that is all I really can say at this point.

Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens.
I get so tired, but not tired in the physical sense(even though I am kind of tired physically too). No, more so emotionally exhausted. Mentally stretched too thin. No one is to blame besides myself. I can't think of anyone who has caused this other than me. I allow myself to be pulled, pushed, stepped on, and the like. I spend my time day dreaming about the way I wish things were, but I've found recently that I've been too tired to even do that. I have found myself hopeless enough that I can't conjure up a better reality, but just live in the dull world I see now.

We can't go back, can't go back, can't go back, we can't...
I'll never go back to the place I once was. I don't want that message, or anything similar, conveyed to anyone reading this. This is the closest thing to expressing how I feel, to clear my mind, the only way I can now. I hope it can change, but I don't have the confidence, or really the ability, to vocally share these kinds of things. It is so much easier to hide behind my computer screen and let the thoughts flow. Even to those I'm closest with, it is easy to see that I'm reserved and that when I talk about things, I don't give the full story. It has nothing to do with the person I am talking with(well, as long as they are one of the people I trust), but rather it is me.

You never knew that it would take so long to understand you're right where you belong.
Sometimes I feel so alone, and I know it isn't true. That is one of the things that makes this so difficult. I know better than to think that way, than to feel that way. I don't know what I'll do from here on out, I'll just take things as they come. I'm waiting for my therapy appointment. To be honest, I'm really excited to start those back up again. It'll help, I'm sure of it.

Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"Twenty-Twenty Surgery" Taking Back Sunday Louder Now
"Bonus Mosh Part II" Taking Back Sunday Where You Want To Be
"There's No "I" In Team" Taking Back Sunday Tell All Your Friends
"Cute Without The 'E'" Taking Back Sunday Tell All Your Friends
"Call Me In The Morning" Taking Back Sunday Taking Back Sunday

"Give me an anchor, a lifeline to hold."

C'est la vie. Such is life.
So, today will be all over the place. I just have a few things I want to chat at you guys about. Ah, as for updates. Well, I'm tired most of the time, I still have issues telling when things happened, and France is 2 weeks away from today! Pretty exciting. I ate lunch outside today, and my last class of the day, Chemistry, met outside as well. Nothing like a bit of Vitamin D. Other than that... nothing really. I'll just get into this then.

Hands down, I swear that I came so prepared.
I have been feeling as though I'm growing up in ways I've never expected. Finding forgiveness for those I thought I'd never be able to forgive. It is a funny thing when you are so scared at the mere thought of someone, and then you realize that things are different now. Sometimes you need to realize that, just as you did, people grow up. People change. Sometimes a friend gets lost, and they can find their way back again. You do the same, so why can't you let others as well? I'm hoping this will be a new chapter for me. I hope that this will give me an opportunity to take a step that I never thought was possible. We'll just have to see where things go, but I have high hopes, which is always a good sign.

They say, "You want a war? You've got a war." But who are you fighting for?
I've noticed that there really is a war going on. A war that is being fought, daily, by so many people. Depression is the biggest war you can fight. Hating yourself, wanting nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up. Punish yourself until you feel something, but that something never comes because you've lost all feeling. The numbness claws at you until you can't handle it anymore. I began fighting this war many years ago. At one point, I was almost defeated. I realized that in about a month and a half it'll be two years since I attempted to end my life. It is a scary thought. It brings things into perspective. This time of the year has been difficult for me. Right about March through the end of May brings an dreary cloud over me. It is simply because the events are still so fresh in my mind. Two years seems like a long time, but it really isn't. I may seem distant, but that is just me thinking of the past two years, thinking about what has happened, how far I've come, and where I stand today. I'm proud of how far I've made it. I never would've expected to be alive this long. I never expected that I'd be making it this far. Life is a blessing. It can be hard, but in the end it is worth it.
I have been looking around, and I have found that so many people are still fighting this alone. It isn't necessary! So I began fighting back in the battle. Sharing one's story, especially with a story so personal, is extremely difficult. I am not about to say,"Oh, it is so great! So much fun, so easy-peasy!" Because it really isn't. You cry. In the beginning, it is almost like you are opening the wound back up and throwing some salt and lemon juice in it. What I've found is, the more you tell it, the easier it becomes to deal with. The easier it gets to say. The best part? You really do help people. I've gotten comments, messages, and the like from a lot of people. They have thanked me for helping them see something in themselves, their children, a friend. I can't tell you how blessed I've been to get the feedback I've gotten. It really encourages me to continue doing what I do.

Did you say,"Please just follow me."
I wanted to give a little shout out to two lovely, brave young ladies, Christine and Charis. I know how hard it can be, and it is fantastic that you two have taking such a leap of faith to share your life. Proud of you(:
You can find Christine's blog here.
You can find Charis' blog here.

Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"Spineless Crow" Hands Like Houses! Ground Dweller
"Swear It Like You Mean It" Go Radio Lucky Street
"Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends" Fall Out Boy From Under the Cork Tree
"All To Myself" Marianas Trench Masterpiece Theatre

"Every broken promise that I've ever made is adding to the problem and it's driving me insane"

C'est la vie. Such is life.
Hello everyone! It has been quite a while since I've updated, but I have some very good reasons. Life has been hectic, dramatic, and ... just blah. There have been many struggles lately, a few of which I will share today.  

If you can't hang then there's the door baby.
I can't say when, exactly, everything started again. I started to notice odd things, such as me being even more quiet than normal. I also started having a more negative outlook on everything, mainly myself. Appearance and such is always an issue. I started pulling away from school. By pulling away I mean that about three weeks ago I stopped doing my school work outside of school period. I didn't care to do it anymore. I was then planning on getting everything back together again, and then about two weeks ago(I think, I'm having issues determining when things happen anymore), my dad had sent a text message talking about how my sister and I should've pretended that we were his children, and that he was going to get a paternity test to prove it. It broke me in a way I didn't think was possible. I had still held on to the smallest sliver of hope that he could become the father I've always wanted. When this happened, I fell apart. I cried, couldn't sleep, and I've been on a decline ever since. After that (about a week ago) I got food poisoning. After 24 hours of not eating, I could've easily eaten a meal, but I then decided I wasn't hungry. I didn't eat much of anything for about 2-3 days. After that, I realized what was happening to me. I wasn't about to let myself do that, so I told a friend and made up my mind it wouldn't happen like that. It is so easy to relapse on eating disorders, even if it has been a few years. Depression in general is also easy to relapse on. Once you have depression, you are always at risk for relapse. The only thing you can do is realize what is happening and take preventative measures to fix the problem.

So this is what we're up against.
This past Friday, there was a teen center at my church. I love going there, I really enjoy my church, but due to an event that happened the previous Wednesday(piled on top of/related to the situation described above) I had no desire to go. I ended up going to a friend's house, just relaxing and getting my mind off of everything. We watched the office, talked, and I was able to clear my mind. (Which is really nice, and I hope I'll get to hang out with them again soon :p) But, I didn't ask my aunt or uncle, so I was lying about where I was. So, the next day my family had our little overnight stay where we went to the Mall of America. At the Mall, when my aunt and I were just waiting for my sister to get out of a store, I confessed. I told her the issues I'd started having, and that I lied to her. We had a brief heart-to-heart, and I was extremely relieved. I am now planning to go to therapy again, for as long as I need, until I have a handle on my life again.

I can't make reality connect, I push 'til I have nothing left.
I'm working on things. I'm almost caught up with my school work, and I am trying to talk more. Keep me in your prayers, thoughts, whichever you prefer. I appreciate it.

Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"Anti-Venom" eatmewhileimhot! Mushroom
"If You Can't Hang" Sleeping With Sirens Let's Cheers to This
"Up Against(Black Out)" Taking Back Sunday Louder Now
"Iodine" Icon For Hire Scripted

"Give me a reason to end this discussion, to break with tradition, to fold and divide."

C'est la vie. Such is life.
First off, Happy New Year everyone! If you haven't noticed, I haven't written in almost three weeks. There a a few reasons why, but the main one is that I don't want to make pointless posts anymore. I want to use this to deal with more serious problems. Not necessarily for entertainment, but to make a point to share my opinion and personal experiences. So now there wont be any consistency in when I post things (not that there even was any..). Also, there is one other change. Nothing major, but for the playlist from now on I'll just be listing the songs that the titles on this blog use. Mainly because I love song lyrics, and there are so many good ones out there.  

Please take notice, these words are hopeless.
Self-image. Self-confidence. It seems as though the problem gets worse on a daily basis. Look in the mirror and find every single flaw. It hurts. My friends tell me how beautiful, how gorgeous I am almost daily, but I still don't find myself believing  them. I can see the beauty in everyone else, so why can't I see it in myself?

Get me out of this place before I cause more damage.
I often have my own destructive thoughts. The typical words that pop into my head - fat, ugly, etc. It is one of those things you don't catch until after you've done it. I've been working at it for a while now, attempting to change my own perspective, but it is really difficult. I have support in my life, people that love me and think the world of me, but that isn't enough to make me see what they see.

'Cause this has been building since I have been breathing.
Now I come to a huge part of what I wanted to say tonight. Be careful of what you say. Little jokes, little sarcastic comments, anything. Take a step back to realize that someone may not be in a good position to hear something, contrary to whether or not you mean it. Example: speaking about not being someone's type, specifically not the body type they are interested in, and having the reply be,"Diet and exercise work for thousands of people." I'm not 100% sure how this person meant it, but it was taken, by me, that I was in dire need of it.

And I see my imperfections. (They're creeping up on me.)
Not a long one tonight, I just needed to get this out there. I'll end this with a quick photo I saw on Tumblr. This guy, Brett, has a blog called Stay Positive, and it is absolutely wonderful. It is just about relationships and such.

Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"Everything Is Alright" Motion City Soundtrack Commit This To Memory
"A Shot Across The Bow" Mayday Parade Mayday Parade
"Running From Lions" All Time Low The Party Scene
"Calling All Cars" Sense Fail Still Searching
"Contagious" Anarbor The Words You Don't Swallow