"Give me an anchor, a lifeline to hold."

C'est la vie. Such is life.
So, today will be all over the place. I just have a few things I want to chat at you guys about. Ah, as for updates. Well, I'm tired most of the time, I still have issues telling when things happened, and France is 2 weeks away from today! Pretty exciting. I ate lunch outside today, and my last class of the day, Chemistry, met outside as well. Nothing like a bit of Vitamin D. Other than that... nothing really. I'll just get into this then.

Hands down, I swear that I came so prepared.
I have been feeling as though I'm growing up in ways I've never expected. Finding forgiveness for those I thought I'd never be able to forgive. It is a funny thing when you are so scared at the mere thought of someone, and then you realize that things are different now. Sometimes you need to realize that, just as you did, people grow up. People change. Sometimes a friend gets lost, and they can find their way back again. You do the same, so why can't you let others as well? I'm hoping this will be a new chapter for me. I hope that this will give me an opportunity to take a step that I never thought was possible. We'll just have to see where things go, but I have high hopes, which is always a good sign.

They say, "You want a war? You've got a war." But who are you fighting for?
I've noticed that there really is a war going on. A war that is being fought, daily, by so many people. Depression is the biggest war you can fight. Hating yourself, wanting nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up. Punish yourself until you feel something, but that something never comes because you've lost all feeling. The numbness claws at you until you can't handle it anymore. I began fighting this war many years ago. At one point, I was almost defeated. I realized that in about a month and a half it'll be two years since I attempted to end my life. It is a scary thought. It brings things into perspective. This time of the year has been difficult for me. Right about March through the end of May brings an dreary cloud over me. It is simply because the events are still so fresh in my mind. Two years seems like a long time, but it really isn't. I may seem distant, but that is just me thinking of the past two years, thinking about what has happened, how far I've come, and where I stand today. I'm proud of how far I've made it. I never would've expected to be alive this long. I never expected that I'd be making it this far. Life is a blessing. It can be hard, but in the end it is worth it.
I have been looking around, and I have found that so many people are still fighting this alone. It isn't necessary! So I began fighting back in the battle. Sharing one's story, especially with a story so personal, is extremely difficult. I am not about to say,"Oh, it is so great! So much fun, so easy-peasy!" Because it really isn't. You cry. In the beginning, it is almost like you are opening the wound back up and throwing some salt and lemon juice in it. What I've found is, the more you tell it, the easier it becomes to deal with. The easier it gets to say. The best part? You really do help people. I've gotten comments, messages, and the like from a lot of people. They have thanked me for helping them see something in themselves, their children, a friend. I can't tell you how blessed I've been to get the feedback I've gotten. It really encourages me to continue doing what I do.

Did you say,"Please just follow me."
I wanted to give a little shout out to two lovely, brave young ladies, Christine and Charis. I know how hard it can be, and it is fantastic that you two have taking such a leap of faith to share your life. Proud of you(:
You can find Christine's blog here.
You can find Charis' blog here.

Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"Spineless Crow" Hands Like Houses! Ground Dweller
"Swear It Like You Mean It" Go Radio Lucky Street
"Champagne For My Real Friends, Real Pain For My Sham Friends" Fall Out Boy From Under the Cork Tree
"All To Myself" Marianas Trench Masterpiece Theatre

"Every broken promise that I've ever made is adding to the problem and it's driving me insane"

C'est la vie. Such is life.
Hello everyone! It has been quite a while since I've updated, but I have some very good reasons. Life has been hectic, dramatic, and ... just blah. There have been many struggles lately, a few of which I will share today.  

If you can't hang then there's the door baby.
I can't say when, exactly, everything started again. I started to notice odd things, such as me being even more quiet than normal. I also started having a more negative outlook on everything, mainly myself. Appearance and such is always an issue. I started pulling away from school. By pulling away I mean that about three weeks ago I stopped doing my school work outside of school period. I didn't care to do it anymore. I was then planning on getting everything back together again, and then about two weeks ago(I think, I'm having issues determining when things happen anymore), my dad had sent a text message talking about how my sister and I should've pretended that we were his children, and that he was going to get a paternity test to prove it. It broke me in a way I didn't think was possible. I had still held on to the smallest sliver of hope that he could become the father I've always wanted. When this happened, I fell apart. I cried, couldn't sleep, and I've been on a decline ever since. After that (about a week ago) I got food poisoning. After 24 hours of not eating, I could've easily eaten a meal, but I then decided I wasn't hungry. I didn't eat much of anything for about 2-3 days. After that, I realized what was happening to me. I wasn't about to let myself do that, so I told a friend and made up my mind it wouldn't happen like that. It is so easy to relapse on eating disorders, even if it has been a few years. Depression in general is also easy to relapse on. Once you have depression, you are always at risk for relapse. The only thing you can do is realize what is happening and take preventative measures to fix the problem.

So this is what we're up against.
This past Friday, there was a teen center at my church. I love going there, I really enjoy my church, but due to an event that happened the previous Wednesday(piled on top of/related to the situation described above) I had no desire to go. I ended up going to a friend's house, just relaxing and getting my mind off of everything. We watched the office, talked, and I was able to clear my mind. (Which is really nice, and I hope I'll get to hang out with them again soon :p) But, I didn't ask my aunt or uncle, so I was lying about where I was. So, the next day my family had our little overnight stay where we went to the Mall of America. At the Mall, when my aunt and I were just waiting for my sister to get out of a store, I confessed. I told her the issues I'd started having, and that I lied to her. We had a brief heart-to-heart, and I was extremely relieved. I am now planning to go to therapy again, for as long as I need, until I have a handle on my life again.

I can't make reality connect, I push 'til I have nothing left.
I'm working on things. I'm almost caught up with my school work, and I am trying to talk more. Keep me in your prayers, thoughts, whichever you prefer. I appreciate it.

Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"Anti-Venom" eatmewhileimhot! Mushroom
"If You Can't Hang" Sleeping With Sirens Let's Cheers to This
"Up Against(Black Out)" Taking Back Sunday Louder Now
"Iodine" Icon For Hire Scripted