"I'll tell you flat out, it hurts so much to think of this."

C'est la vie. Such is life.
I regret to have to tell everyone that on Sunday, May 20, I hit a snag. I wanted to kill myself, and I had a plan which I was prepared to carry out right then. It was a repeat of two years ago, although this time I was lucky enough to know how to handle it better. That, and the fact that I got out of the house before I could do anything. I was in the hospital all of last week, and was released on Friday. I'm now doing better, on medication, and working towards recovery. Today, the title of this post, as well as all of the section titles will be from the song "When I Go Down" by Relient K off of their album Mmhmm.

The very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods.
It really came out of the blue. I hadn't been doing that well, but I hadn't thought it would get that bad, especially that quickly. It was a switch, immediate. I felt horrible and when I tried to turn on some music, which is my usual coping strategy, it didn't work. I couldn't find anything to listen to, and so I began to panic. I got out of my house and called my 'lifeline' and talked to her until I calmed down a little, and ended up going over there until I could get picked up and taken to the hospital.

I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more, and I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored, but that's not the way it works.

I think the part that made this the most difficult was that I had already been through this once. I thought I was done with it. Now I'm fighting to come back to the place I had finally reached. And I am working on talking about my feelings more, but it is something I struggle with so much. I hate it, and I loath that I can't be the same person I was before. I miss being happy. I miss being able to laugh and not feel like everything I do is artificial and that I have to force it. I feel bad because I feel like I'm neglecting my friends, but I can't help it. I hope to be back to normal soon, but it took me a while last time, so I'm not sure anymore.

When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom. And of the things that got me there I think, if only I had fought them.
I have a job for the summer, and schools only a few days away from being over. Now I just have to work to keep myself going, and focus on the things that make me 'happy'. I don't know. I also say that a lot now.. 'I don't know'. It is one of those ridiculously generic answers that avoid talking. But in reality, I actually don't know. It can be confusing and slightly irritating.

If and when I can clear myself of this clouded mind, I'll watch myself settle down into a place where peace can search me out and find that I'm so ready to be found.

I'll leave it at that today. I've got one more class, and I feel like I have a hundred things to do(which I really don't). Blah, I hope to find peace very soon. The lyrics for this section are the perfect way to close up with. Here are the lyrics to the entire song:

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"When I Go Down" Relient K Mmhmm

"You know me all to well, but you never had the chance to find out who I really am."

C'est la vie. Such is life.
A lot has been happening recently, but at the same time nothing has happened. Confusing? Yes, quite. A ton has been happening on a more emotional level, rather than specific events. Or maybe not. I am confusing myself now. I'll just get into it, so I don't contradict myself any more than I already have.


Still the same pursuing pain. Is it worth all that I've gained?
I've struggled with understanding the concept of moving on from my past. I was under the impression that I had to forget it, so I fought as hard as I could to keep it. If I didn't remember what has happened, I'd lose a part of me. I'd lose how I became who I am. I'd run the risk of losing everything. It took me so long to realize that I don't have to forget the memories, and that, in fact, I shouldn't. Rather, I found that forgetting the feelings, the emotions behind a memory, the things that make it so vivid, those are the dangerous portion of it. Those are what suck you back in, make you lose your footing. During the youth service at church(May 9th), the service was on that. Moving on from your past. We started with this activity about drawing major life events from your past, and goals for the future. I refused to participate. I couldn't deal with it at that point. And then the service itself started. I remember sitting there, and as soon as the message started, I knew it was for me. I, from that point forward, didn't take notes, nor did I make any eye contact with my youth minister. It was really like a civil war was going on in me. My heart, my brain, and my soul were raging. I couldn't focus, and I even fought to pay any attention. By the end of the service, they did a prayer call, and I knew they were waiting for me. I stood with the group, fidgeting. I didn't make eye contact with anyone, crossed my arms, and tried my hardest not to cry. I managed to look up to see my youth minister nod to his wife, who is one of my biggest lifelines, and she came directly over to me and took me up front. That is when I lost it. I leaned on her as I cried and we prayed.

Tell me how you feel, come out of the dark. Then we can head back home, and I'll know where to start.
That night, there was no instant relief. I felt like a wound had been ripped open, and left to bleed. Everything hurt, on all levels. My body, my heart, my mind. I thought I did something wrong. I thought it didn't work. I went to sleep. By the next morning, I felt numb. Besides the normal post-crying fatigue, and soreness, I felt literally nothing. The weird part of this? It wasn't the numbness I was used to. There was literally nothing there. There was no emotion at all, but rather a clean, empty slate. My memory was blurry for a few days, but it is still there. No emotion attached. It really is odd. I can see everything, but it no longer has an influence on me. I can't say it is a bad thing either, it is just ... different.


Father, father, tell me where have you been? It's been hell not having you here. I've been missing you so bad, and you don't seem to care.
So, I have been having some issues not necessarily related to the above, but in a way they are. Not having my dad in my life has taken a toll on me. It is hard because I don't really know how to handle it. It gets worse, and there are times it isn't on my mind. It sucks though. I have great father-figures in my life, but in the end, it really isn't the same. It is so difficult trying to, in a sense, get over it. He's not going to change, and I'm not anywhere close to being on his list of priorities. People have it worse off, but the feeling is unexplainable. When your own dad is too wrapped up in his own issues, when he decides to let you in on the fact that he doesn't love you, it kind of wears you down. Also, the fact that his actions over these years have showed that he didn't care doesn't prepare you for the words. The words are excruciatingly painful, and they kind of finalize everything. I don't know. But you should listen to the song that the title for this section is taken from. It is extremely applicable to my situation, besides the fact it is simply amazing.


Chase it down, spin around, watch the world from the ground.
That is all for today. I need to get going. I'll leave you guys off with some Relient K lyrics. I can say this: if you are having a bad day, listen to them. They have wonderful lyrics, and sound incredible. They are pretty nifty fellows. Enjoy.

Yesterday is not quite what it could've been,
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in.
I'll be trying to make it so much more.
Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong,
And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see.
And though I'm finally catching onto it,
And now the past is just a conduit,
And the light there at the end is where I'll be.

***********************************************

When it all falls apart and you can't see,
The forest for the cemeteries.
Isn't it nice to know,
Isn't it nice to know,
Isn't it nice to know,
That the lining is silver.

Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"Nervous Breakdown" Hawthorne Heights Skeletons
"Nothing and Everything" RED Innocents & Instinct
"Foreign Language" Anberlin Blueprints for the Black Market
"A Trophy Father's Trophy Son" Sleeping with Sirens Let's Cheers To This
"Watch the World" Every Avenue Bad Habits
"Up And Up" Relient K Five Score and Seven Years Ago