C'est la vie. Such is life.
A lot has been happening recently, but at the same time nothing has happened. Confusing? Yes, quite. A ton has been happening on a more emotional level, rather than specific events. Or maybe not. I am confusing myself now. I'll just get into it, so I don't contradict myself any more than I already have.
Still the same pursuing pain. Is it worth all that I've gained?
I've struggled with understanding the concept of moving on from my past. I was under the impression that I had to forget it, so I fought as hard as I could to keep it. If I didn't remember what has happened, I'd lose a part of me. I'd lose how I became who I am. I'd run the risk of losing everything. It took me so long to realize that I don't have to forget the memories, and that, in fact, I shouldn't. Rather, I found that forgetting the feelings, the emotions behind a memory, the things that make it so vivid, those are the dangerous portion of it. Those are what suck you back in, make you lose your footing. During the youth service at church(May 9th), the service was on that. Moving on from your past. We started with this activity about drawing major life events from your past, and goals for the future. I refused to participate. I couldn't deal with it at that point. And then the service itself started. I remember sitting there, and as soon as the message started, I knew it was for me. I, from that point forward, didn't take notes, nor did I make any eye contact with my youth minister. It was really like a civil war was going on in me. My heart, my brain, and my soul were raging. I couldn't focus, and I even fought to pay any attention. By the end of the service, they did a prayer call, and I knew they were waiting for me. I stood with the group, fidgeting. I didn't make eye contact with anyone, crossed my arms, and tried my hardest not to cry. I managed to look up to see my youth minister nod to his wife, who is one of my biggest lifelines, and she came directly over to me and took me up front. That is when I lost it. I leaned on her as I cried and we prayed.
Tell me how you feel, come out of the dark. Then we can head back home, and I'll know where to start.
That night, there was no instant relief. I felt like a wound had been ripped open, and left to bleed. Everything hurt, on all levels. My body, my heart, my mind. I thought I did something wrong. I thought it didn't work. I went to sleep. By the next morning, I felt numb. Besides the normal post-crying fatigue, and soreness, I felt literally nothing. The weird part of this? It wasn't the numbness I was used to. There was literally nothing there. There was no emotion at all, but rather a clean, empty slate. My memory was blurry for a few days, but it is still there. No emotion attached. It really is odd. I can see everything, but it no longer has an influence on me. I can't say it is a bad thing either, it is just ... different.
Father, father, tell me where have you been? It's been hell not having you here. I've been missing you so bad, and you don't seem to care.
So, I have been having some issues not necessarily related to the above, but in a way they are. Not having my dad in my life has taken a toll on me. It is hard because I don't really know how to handle it. It gets worse, and there are times it isn't on my mind. It sucks though. I have great father-figures in my life, but in the end, it really isn't the same. It is so difficult trying to, in a sense, get over it. He's not going to change, and I'm not anywhere close to being on his list of priorities. People have it worse off, but the feeling is unexplainable. When your own dad is too wrapped up in his own issues, when he decides to let you in on the fact that he doesn't love you, it kind of wears you down. Also, the fact that his actions over these years have showed that he didn't care doesn't prepare you for the words. The words are excruciatingly painful, and they kind of finalize everything. I don't know. But you should listen to the song that the title for this section is taken from. It is extremely applicable to my situation, besides the fact it is simply amazing.
Chase it down, spin around, watch the world from the ground.
That is all for today. I need to get going. I'll leave you guys off with some Relient K lyrics. I can say this: if you are having a bad day, listen to them. They have wonderful lyrics, and sound incredible. They are pretty nifty fellows. Enjoy.
Yesterday is not quite what it could've been,
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today, with every breath I'm breathing in.
I'll be trying to make it so much more.
Cause it seems I get so hung up on the history of what's gone wrong,
And the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see.
And though I'm finally catching onto it,
And now the past is just a conduit,
And the light there at the end is where I'll be.
***********************************************
When it all falls apart and you can't see,
The forest for the cemeteries.
Isn't it nice to know,
Isn't it nice to know,
Isn't it nice to know,
That the lining is silver.
Music makes the world go
'round
Blog Playlist:
"Nervous Breakdown" Hawthorne Heights Skeletons
"Nothing and Everything" RED
Innocents & Instinct
"Foreign Language" Anberlin Blueprints for the Black Market
"A Trophy Father's Trophy Son" Sleeping with Sirens Let's Cheers To This
"Watch the World" Every Avenue Bad Habits
"Up And Up" Relient K Five Score and Seven Years Ago
No comments:
Post a Comment