C'est la vie. Such is life.
I know I posted last night, but I have roughly two class periods of a study hall, and nothing to do. I like blabbering on and not really thinking, so this is the best thing for me to do. And off we go.
OH and update. Tonight I'm going to TSO. I'm really excited! ... So now, we actually begin.
And now I'm lost at sea. I'm drowning in what I won't be.
I hate my loss of focus. I hate how I want to do so much, but I can't find a way to actually do it. It really is just me holding myself back, but I haven't found a way to quit it and change my ways. And speaking of things I do to myself, I can't stand how I treat myself. The way I think, the way I talk myself down. It is something I can't comprehend. I feel as though I am the most annoying, unwanted person on this planet. Even when I'm with my friends, I feel as though they'd have so much better of a time if I weren't there. I can't talk, text, or even breathe without thinking that I'm bothering them, which is funny because they have told me before that it is the complete opposite of that. No matter how often I am reassured, I can't get over it.
You made me hate my own reflection, question every choice I make. So I could try to be perfect, but I will try to be fake.
I have been thinking a lot lately, about my future and the choices I make/will make. I find myself wondering if some of the things that I think or feel are seeds planted into my head by others who surround me. I'm sure everyone goes through a phase similar to this. Questioning their future and what they want to do. As far as careers go, I am pretty positive that I'd like to go into nursing, but I've also noticed how interested I am in history and social studies(and by social studies, I don't mean geography, I mean more of the human studies portion of it). I'm trying to make sure I keep in mind the things that I enjoy, and find a way to incorporate it into my future. I want to help people, I have experiences that would help me to be compassionate, I just want to find a way to use that. I want to find a way to help me enjoy my career and, overall, my life.
We never are what we intend, or invent.
It is pretty short, but I don't really have too much to say today. I'll just leave it at this for now. I know I sporadically post now, so I can't guarantee when my next post will be. Thanks for reading, and I suppose thanks for putting up with me.
Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"The Hangman" Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows D.R.U.G.S.
"Lost And Found" Senses Fail Still Searching
"Who Are You Now" Sleeping With Sirens Let's Cheers To This
"At The Bottom" Brand New Daisy
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
"You could count on me for that and nothing more."
C'est la vie. Such is life.
Don't mind me, I'm just on a TBS kick. Anyway, its been weird lately. I'm kind of falling behind, losing touch. I don't really know what to say in this little portion of this post, so I'll just move on.
I wanted you for nothing more, than hating you for what you were.
I continuously let people who do nothing but negative things back into my life. I don't understand my thought process when we talk, and it is funny when someone is so lost within themselves, that they forget the actual meaning of friendship. The idea that friendship holds mutual responsibilities. That not one person can do all of the listening, caring, and so on, but rather that it has to be a two way street. If someone is your friend, they should mean something to you. With this situation, I felt needed, yes. But I also felt like I was easily replaced, and that I didn't necessarily matter. I felt as though if something better came around, I'd be left alone in the dust. I reached out, and I stayed when no one else did. I was there. But I need someone to be there for me in return. I can't sit there and, when I am honest with you, be attacked and have sarcastic, rude comments thrown up in my face. Do I want my friendships to make it? Why would I stick around and continue to come back if I didn't? So, if you read this, and we are friends(or we were..), realize that I want to make things work, but in the end, you have to make your decision. Just let me know.
I was there when you were lonely
I was there when you were bored
I was there when you were feeling scared
And you were not sure what for.
I was there you found out
When you were madder than hell.
You were scared, I was scared,
We were scared but I did not let that show.
But I've made long term plans based on these mistakes.
A lot has been on my mind, especially with this time of year at hand. As often as people say spring is the season that people's moods perk up, that the winter depression is broken, I find myself happier during the winter than the beginning of spring. Honestly, I think most people, if in a similar situation, would agree with me. It is kind of like a dark cloud that rolls in right around the end of March/start of April, and it likes to stick around for a while. I get it, it shouldn't bother me, it shouldn't be something that happens. I am better now. Well, at least better than I once was. But, even with the two year anniversary coming up, it seems to continue to happen. Don't get me wrong, I prefer this to what could have happened back then, but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm struggling, and that is all I really can say at this point.
Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens.
I get so tired, but not tired in the physical sense(even though I am kind of tired physically too). No, more so emotionally exhausted. Mentally stretched too thin. No one is to blame besides myself. I can't think of anyone who has caused this other than me. I allow myself to be pulled, pushed, stepped on, and the like. I spend my time day dreaming about the way I wish things were, but I've found recently that I've been too tired to even do that. I have found myself hopeless enough that I can't conjure up a better reality, but just live in the dull world I see now.
We can't go back, can't go back, can't go back, we can't...
I'll never go back to the place I once was. I don't want that message, or anything similar, conveyed to anyone reading this. This is the closest thing to expressing how I feel, to clear my mind, the only way I can now. I hope it can change, but I don't have the confidence, or really the ability, to vocally share these kinds of things. It is so much easier to hide behind my computer screen and let the thoughts flow. Even to those I'm closest with, it is easy to see that I'm reserved and that when I talk about things, I don't give the full story. It has nothing to do with the person I am talking with(well, as long as they are one of the people I trust), but rather it is me.
You never knew that it would take so long to understand you're right where you belong.
Sometimes I feel so alone, and I know it isn't true. That is one of the things that makes this so difficult. I know better than to think that way, than to feel that way. I don't know what I'll do from here on out, I'll just take things as they come. I'm waiting for my therapy appointment. To be honest, I'm really excited to start those back up again. It'll help, I'm sure of it.
Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"Twenty-Twenty Surgery" Taking Back Sunday Louder Now
"Bonus Mosh Part II" Taking Back Sunday Where You Want To Be
"There's No "I" In Team" Taking Back Sunday Tell All Your Friends
"Cute Without The 'E'" Taking Back Sunday Tell All Your Friends
"Call Me In The Morning" Taking Back Sunday Taking Back Sunday
Don't mind me, I'm just on a TBS kick. Anyway, its been weird lately. I'm kind of falling behind, losing touch. I don't really know what to say in this little portion of this post, so I'll just move on.
I wanted you for nothing more, than hating you for what you were.
I continuously let people who do nothing but negative things back into my life. I don't understand my thought process when we talk, and it is funny when someone is so lost within themselves, that they forget the actual meaning of friendship. The idea that friendship holds mutual responsibilities. That not one person can do all of the listening, caring, and so on, but rather that it has to be a two way street. If someone is your friend, they should mean something to you. With this situation, I felt needed, yes. But I also felt like I was easily replaced, and that I didn't necessarily matter. I felt as though if something better came around, I'd be left alone in the dust. I reached out, and I stayed when no one else did. I was there. But I need someone to be there for me in return. I can't sit there and, when I am honest with you, be attacked and have sarcastic, rude comments thrown up in my face. Do I want my friendships to make it? Why would I stick around and continue to come back if I didn't? So, if you read this, and we are friends(or we were..), realize that I want to make things work, but in the end, you have to make your decision. Just let me know.
I was there when you were lonely
I was there when you were bored
I was there when you were feeling scared
And you were not sure what for.
I was there you found out
When you were madder than hell.
You were scared, I was scared,
We were scared but I did not let that show.
"You Got Me" Taking Back Sunday Taking Back Sunday
A lot has been on my mind, especially with this time of year at hand. As often as people say spring is the season that people's moods perk up, that the winter depression is broken, I find myself happier during the winter than the beginning of spring. Honestly, I think most people, if in a similar situation, would agree with me. It is kind of like a dark cloud that rolls in right around the end of March/start of April, and it likes to stick around for a while. I get it, it shouldn't bother me, it shouldn't be something that happens. I am better now. Well, at least better than I once was. But, even with the two year anniversary coming up, it seems to continue to happen. Don't get me wrong, I prefer this to what could have happened back then, but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm struggling, and that is all I really can say at this point.
Hoping for the best, just hoping nothing happens.
I get so tired, but not tired in the physical sense(even though I am kind of tired physically too). No, more so emotionally exhausted. Mentally stretched too thin. No one is to blame besides myself. I can't think of anyone who has caused this other than me. I allow myself to be pulled, pushed, stepped on, and the like. I spend my time day dreaming about the way I wish things were, but I've found recently that I've been too tired to even do that. I have found myself hopeless enough that I can't conjure up a better reality, but just live in the dull world I see now.
We can't go back, can't go back, can't go back, we can't...
I'll never go back to the place I once was. I don't want that message, or anything similar, conveyed to anyone reading this. This is the closest thing to expressing how I feel, to clear my mind, the only way I can now. I hope it can change, but I don't have the confidence, or really the ability, to vocally share these kinds of things. It is so much easier to hide behind my computer screen and let the thoughts flow. Even to those I'm closest with, it is easy to see that I'm reserved and that when I talk about things, I don't give the full story. It has nothing to do with the person I am talking with(well, as long as they are one of the people I trust), but rather it is me.
You never knew that it would take so long to understand you're right where you belong.
Sometimes I feel so alone, and I know it isn't true. That is one of the things that makes this so difficult. I know better than to think that way, than to feel that way. I don't know what I'll do from here on out, I'll just take things as they come. I'm waiting for my therapy appointment. To be honest, I'm really excited to start those back up again. It'll help, I'm sure of it.
Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"Twenty-Twenty Surgery" Taking Back Sunday Louder Now
"Bonus Mosh Part II" Taking Back Sunday Where You Want To Be
"There's No "I" In Team" Taking Back Sunday Tell All Your Friends
"Cute Without The 'E'" Taking Back Sunday Tell All Your Friends
"Call Me In The Morning" Taking Back Sunday Taking Back Sunday
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