C'est la vie. Such is life.
Tonight will be a more serious post. Please note, I will be sharing a personal story. The purpose of this message is to not only educate people on a few different things, but also to allow people to know that they aren't alone, as well as give anyone reading this an opportunity to understand me better. Take a second, take a step back, and look at people in a new light, in a new perspective.
Step One, Step Two, Step Three, Repeat.
My life has been an interesting one. I wouldn't change it, despite the difficulties, because I really like the type of person I have become, but that doesn't mean I am happy with everything that has happened. Life for me did have a bit of a pattern. The pattern began in elementary school. Switching back and forth between my dad, mom, and aunt's home, as well as between schools. I was too young to be affected by the situation. Once middle school started, things became much more complicated. Between the issues at home, different things began to happen at school. I was bullied on a daily basis, and ended up staying home 'sick' as often as possible. This was really the beginning of what was to come.
Here on the rooftop, Screaming like the world stopped.
Eighth grade seemed to me to be the turn around. New school, fresh start. I was nervous, but people seemed nice, and it was decent enough. I made some friends, and we got pretty close. Things seemed to be looking up. Little did anyone else know, I was struggling with depression. I began to do many things, such as self-harm and different types of eating disorders, trying to cope with everything and 'fix' the problems I dealt with. Eventually, my family found out and I began therapy and medication to get everything in hand.
If I go down in the quicksand, don't grab my hand.
Ninth Grade. Still had my close friends, and now I had some new coping strategies as well as high hopes for High School. The first half of the year went great. I had my friends, great classes, and it seemed like nothing could go wrong. Shortly after my birthday, a situation with my friends involving drugs happened, and when I didn't go along with them(and a situation with parents happened) everything went downhill. I started to get teased on a daily basis, and I was slowly, but surely, cut off from everything I knew. The friends I had placed all I had in had deserted me. My grades began to slip, I hated everything about myself, I no longer cared to be around. It seemed as though nothing I did was right. I started having thoughts of how things would be if I was no longer around. I began to think of the way I could do it. It seemed to have a part in every thought I had. One day, I carried that thought out. I wrote a note to my family and tried to overdose. The next day, I woke up. This led to me thinking about how I couldn't even do that right, and I had then planned to complete the job, correctly, the next night. When I was at school, the people who had been teasing me had made one comment passing me in the halls, and I couldn't do it anymore. I went to the nurse's office and admitted to them what I had done, and what was planned for that night.
I feel the weight of silence crashing down.
The road to recovery was not easy. I spent a week in the hospital, returned with about a week or two before finals, managed to keep my grades at a decent level, and finally got out of that school. After my attempt at suicide, the school had become a place of dread for me. When I was home for the summer, I was grateful to my family for allowing me the opportunity to change schools. Another change that definitely changed my outlook at life was my first time attending my current church. A family friend that knew about what had happened asked if I would attend her church. When I agreed, it was set up that I would come to the first Wednesday service after school was out. They had a youth service, so I attended that. It was a new experience for me. I was shy, and I must admit, I had a habit of keeping my distance from people. Even with the lack of social interaction, I felt nice. I felt a feeling I hadn't experienced in such a long time; I felt wanted. I kept attending the church with the family friend. They had mentioned to my family about the Youth Retreat that the church had at the end of summer. The youth had been fundraising for a while already, and the retreat is a bit of money. After talking it over, my family decided to pay, out of pocket, for me to go. It wasn't a choice, rather something they thought may help. Man, were they right.
Get down on your knees when you feel sure the path ahead is about to end.
It was at the first service of the retreat that I received Jesus Christ as my savior. I remember that the minute it happened, I felt a lightness. A feeling of freedom, of love. I felt full, I felt loved. I remembered the feeling of hope. The life I felt like I lost, I had regained it in a better condition than it had ever seen. After that, my life had done a 180. I was happy again, I was alive. I wanted to be alive. I started at my current school, made friends, and was doing well in school again. I was active in my church. I ended up no longer need to take medication for my depression, nor did I need to attend therapy. I was brought from rock bottom, the darkest place I could go, to being a normal teenager, able to live through experiences that I never thought I'd be able to see. My license, sophomore year, and now junior year. Don't get me wrong, being a teenager sucks. I have to deal with the 'heartbreak' and the drama, but I have a totally different perspective on the entire situation. I see things that other people can't, even when it is pointed out to them. I have seen and went through things that most people will never have to imagine. This has and will allow me to help people in ways that wouldn't be possible for others to comprehend. I intend to use my life to change the lives of others. I want to be an example. I want to leave a legacy. A legacy of compassion. Of love. Of hope.
But I swear that there's someone who cares here enough to set us free.
I hope this has helped someone. Whatever the reason you read this, I hope it did something for you. I want to let you know, life is important. Life isn't meant to be cut short. If things are hard, it will pass. Find your rock, your support. Let it keep you afloat. Don't give up. You'll never know what was meant for you. The people you were supposed to meet, those you were meant to help, the impact you would make on the world. You are beautiful. Wonderful. You are worth so much. Never let anyone tell you differently.
My hero, she's the last real dreamer I know.
Believe it or not, this has helped me. Every time I retell this story, it does help me. My purpose is to help others, and this is how I do it. If you ever feel like you are losing it, like you are falling, ask for help. I'd be happy to be a friend. "When our hearts are heavy burdens/We shouldn’t have to bare alone."
Music makes the world go 'round
Blog Playlist:
"Come Back To Me" Amely Hello World
"Goodnight Moon" Go Radio Do Overs And Second Chances
"Hold On" Go Radio Lucky Street
"Redemption in the Verse" Go Radio Lucky Street
"The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows" Brand New Deja Entendu
"No Heros Allowed" Mayday Parade Mayday Parade
"Celebrity Status" Marianas Trench Masterpiece Theatre
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